Submitted by Heather (via email) 100 Things Not To Say During Sex * But everybody looks funny naked. * You woke me up for that? * Did I mention the video camera? * Do you smell something burning? * (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.... * Try breathing through your nose. * A little rug burn never hurt anyone. * Is that a medic-alert pendit? * Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? * But whipped cream makes me break out. * Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah..today. * (in a Motel) Hurry up!! This room rents by the hour! * Can you please pass me the remote control? * Do you accept Visa? * ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ * On second thought, let's turn off the lights. * And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend. * So much for mouth to mouth. * (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, ok? * Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober. * (holding a bannana) Just a little trick I learned at the zoo. * Do you get any premium movie channels? * Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! * (preparing to use peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch. * Got any penecillin? * But I just brushed my teeth. * Smile, you're on candid camera. * I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! * I want a baby! * So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies. * (in a threesome) Why am I doing all the work? * Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth. * Did you know the ceiling needs painting? * I think you have it on backwards. * When is this supposed to feel good? * Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs. * You're good enough to do this for a living. * Is that blood on the headboard. * Did I remember to take my pill? * Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? * I wish we got the Playboy channel. * That leak better be from the waterbed. * I told you it wouldn't work without batteries. * But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. * If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. * Did I tell you my Aunt Marha died on this bed? * No really, I do this part better myself. * It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate. * This would be more fun with a few more people. * You're almost as good as my ex. * Do you know the definition of statutory rape? * Is that you I smell, or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? * You look younger than you feel. * Perhaps you're just out of practice. * You sweat more than a galloping stallion. * They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. * Now I know why he/she dumped you... * Does your husband own a sawed-off gun? * You give me reason to believe foreplay is overated. * What tampon? * Have you ever considered liposuction? * And to think, I didn' even have to buy you dinner. * What are you planning to make for breakfast? * I have a confession.... * was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home. * Are those real or am I just behind the times? * Were you by any chance repressed as a child? * Is that a hanging sculpture? * You'll still vote for me, won't you? * Did I mention my transexual operation? * I really hate womem who think sex means something. * Did you come yet, dear? * I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about. * A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time. * Does this count as a date? * Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you. * Hic! I need another beer for this, please. * I think biting is romantic, don't you? * Q: You can cook too, right? A: (whaddaya think I'm doing?) * When would you like to meet my parents? * Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. Woman: Yourself? * Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? * Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. * Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed. * (in a phone booth) Would you mind if I make a few calls? * I hope I didn't forget to tuen the gas oven off. Do you have a light? * Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman. * Sorry but I don't do toes. * Could you at least ACT like you're enjoying it? * Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO. * Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper. * I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". * So THAT'S why they call you Mr. Flash. * My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer. * Is this a sin too? * I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain. * Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? * Long kisses clog my sinuses. * Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise. * How long do you plan to be "almost there"?